dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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