I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
