when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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