it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
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