I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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