It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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