omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
