wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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