this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
