Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
