My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No subtext here. People are naked.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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