I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
