Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
