whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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