I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize