please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
