i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I can text with my tongue
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
