I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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