also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
