The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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