I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
