dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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