Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
We smell like vodka and hangover
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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