She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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