On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
