You work out of a Hotel?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
