you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
