wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize