i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
