I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
