I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
