half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
