I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
