By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So many bounce houses so little time
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
