he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
