So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
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