Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
