I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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