i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
