I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize