worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize