I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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