a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize