I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
