Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
