I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Congratulations! We have a period
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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