i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
