Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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