Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize