The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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