Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize