Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
