you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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