she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
