Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
