A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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