life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
