when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
